Toxic

Ever felt like you overstayed your welcome?

Well, today, I hit that point.

Not sure if its because its the start of 'that time of the month' or because I'm still getting over the cold that is keeping me down or because i've kinda thought it all along.... But... I'm soooo over Lano.

I love Lancelin. Its a great 'ideal'. Would be a great place to raise a family and have amazing opportunities. However, for me... its been a killer this time around.... (wait, didn't I leave for a reason last time. Surely coming back without all the friends I had last time wasn't a good sign?!)

All I've done since I got here is: gain weight, drink, eat shitty food (even if it IS gluten free vegan), hang out with the wrong people, etc, etc.

Pretty much this town is toxic for me. Thinking back I can think of very few happy memories, this time round... yet, I've latched on and wanted to stay... so I can make 'money'.

Basically, I wanted to come because I knew I could make money, enjoy summer, learn to kite surf, and have friends.

In the end... the only thing I've done is make a little money. Probably not even what it cost to get here and away, in the end. I didn't have the money at the beginning to take kiting lessons... then there was no wind... then I had no time.... then/now I didn't want to spend the 1000 that it'd cost to get up to par since I'd be leaving soon and not have my own gear, anyways.

For some reason today... it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been unhappy here the whole time. So, because of that, I've done all the things I know better than to do. Latch onto the wrong people, not make friends, eat shit food/gain weight, no walk/stay wholed up, etc, etc. Why do I continuously sabatoge myself in life? Seems REALLY, REALLY STUPID.

So now.... I have to figure out: Do I stay another month so I can save $1000 or do I just up and leave. Start over somewhere where I'll end up spending all the tiny bit of money i've saved?

As of now... I'm leaning towards Taiwan. The longer I hold out before going, the better my chances of getting a good job. However, I know I can't hold out until the best time June/July... so why not just go now?

Basically, my options are: Focus on MYSELF for the next month. Walk, do some exercises, and just focus on the end goal which is money. Or I can leave sooner rather than later and just hope I've enough saved to get me by until I find a job. But in that option I feel like I'm running away. However, in saying that, I know I've not been happy here the whole time. Hiding it and enjoying little bits of sun don't seem to make up for it in the end.

I need a life. I need friends. I know that I need a source to meet them though. The only option I have here is to move back to the hostel... and that really defeats the purpose of staying... since I'd basically be staying to make no money.. just pay for the hostel rent. So thats a no go. Basically... I'm gonna see how this week goes.. and see.

What gets me is I've ALWAYS refused to accept 'ok' and I've done worse than that this time. I've stayed in a horrible situation knowing what it was doing to me mentally (and physcially in gaining weight) and not cared. I stayed because I have no clue what I'm doing next and because the whole MONEY thing scares me. I need money and knew this was a chance to at least get enough to do something. AHHHHH... What the HELL have I been thinking accepting 'ok' when I demand so much more from myself... no wonder I've been so 'blah' and down.

Advice, thoughts.... anything would be appreciated!!

<3